I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
