oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
