I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
