lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
