I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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