I showed him my bush... on skype.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They took my balls.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
