My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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