True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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