im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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