some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
