she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
