when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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