She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize