So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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