No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
