They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
