my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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