i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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