ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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