I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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