You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
