apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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