party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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