I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
