i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
