I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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