You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
