I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
