There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
