Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize