I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
