I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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