So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
As shirtless as possible
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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