Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize
