Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize