so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
