He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So squirting runs in the family.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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