Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
did you just send me my own nude
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
