How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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