Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
