I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
