I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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