In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
