he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
