I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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