ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
