Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud š³
I really regret not asking ālike a cupcakeā when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
