I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
