I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
