I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
