please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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