Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
