at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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