my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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