My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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