Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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